The Breaking point 2

2. Changes.   

The other day I was completely in a state of believing the fact that my grandpa is not here. When I woke up my family were still crying, not letting me settle down! Defeated by the “truths” I decided to call my friends to show up in my house and persuade me into going out with them in front of my family and relatives so that they would not judge me. A bunch of them came, did the Oscar winning performance which was quite a shocker for me too because they have never ever done anything in my favour. Well Bundy a friend of mine went over the top, he told my mum; “If you want your son alive then let him go with us, he is so depressed by his death that I might think of lord getting emotional for him and decide to plan a get together for both of them up in the sky, know what I mean?’’ My mother being an emotional fool (only for me, which I adore and respect about her) started really panicking, she told my father to consult a doctor. This was very funny but I could not laugh not because the atmosphere did not allowed but my heart and lips both refused. Another friend Ibrahim who is the most sensible amongst us asked her if she has any problem with me going out and mum  said a simple no she added after an awkward silence “take him , he is getting so pale here ,I hate seeing him this upset but please bring him back before dawn!”

  Out of my despondent self I somehow managed to step out of my house. My friends were thinking that I was going to do same stuff for getting out of this anxiety, I have been doing since past a year. My mind also thought the same. I was fully convinced about my ways to tackle the tension within. But this time it was not like any other situation because deep down inside my heart I knew I came here to mourn my grandpa’s death in my own unapologetic way. My mind told me thousand times to let it happen the same old way but my soul had been through a lot from the very second  it heard about his death so it didn’t gave me permission to do the things that would give me temporary euphoria. 

 Bundy came to me with a packet of cigarette and told me to have it so that I can feel a bit normal. I decided to take one. When I approached my hand to him, Ibrahim slapped him. Before Bundy could slap him back, as an obvious reaction because of his bad temper, Ibrahim shouted in high pitched voice; “have you both lost it, muss your grandpa died yesterday and see what the heck you are doing. Just think if he is watching you right now.” Suddenly Bundy interrupted in a very bad tone; “his grandpa died not yours, let him do whatever he want. He is not doing it for fun and we both know this.’’  The conversation ended before it was supposed to, followed by an adverse quietness.

  I sighed deep and words came out without my consent. It was a game changer for me. I told Bundy to never tell me again what to do and what not to.  I told him;” listen Bundy, I know you are my friend and you do everything good for me. But the things you are asking me to do are very cringe for me right now. I want to sniff what you are giving me, smoke few cigarettes, cuss dirty,  holler loudly again but I am not able to. I am telling my mind to want what it always wanted but it’s not at all in my favour.” I stopped angrily and ran away. My friends knew all about my mood swings so they ran after me.

  I went to same old, torn, full of memories, house of mine where I spend all my childhood. Bundy and Ibrahim reached few minutes later. I sat on that floor of kitchen where all my grandpa’s collection of memories were safely safeguarded by my half ridden heart. I would always come to this place when I am upset and my both friends know this. I was there crying so ruthlessly that my eyes started aching and mouth drying. I couldn’t contain in myself the guilt of letting down my grandpa who is no longer here to complain. When Bundy and Ibrahim came they felt so bad about me that they were shut. I asked them politely if they have any problem in leaving me alone, they both agreed. I saw both of them going and with every step of theirs towards main door my heart would palpitate more and brain would start bursting with thoughts full of terror. My whole body started shivering, my soul trembled, my mind quenched in pain, my hands were cold and miserable and I felt the pain I had never felt.