The Breaking point 1

1. Came to know that I am not Me anymore!

 “ I  am not supposed to live! I should sue! Why the hell this all happened to me? Am not enough strong to tolerate happiness? " ; uttering to my heart I was wondering if this all is a dream. I pinched my hand but unfortunately, I perceived it.
This was all going in my head while feeling that downright cold and miserable evening of Dec. I could not make myself believe that I was not able to attend my Grandpa's funeral.
 My grandpa, he was the most important and beautiful part of my life. When I was a kid, he made me aware about new happenings. In fact, whatsoever good is left is because of him. He was a champion of my peaceful mind. Mama says When I was born he was the happiest person in the entire family. I remember few memories of him being my guide and parenting me. He taught me everything. When he used to do all his work I was always beside him to irritate him and to spoil his work but he would never mind. He loved me like nobody and anything. But now he is no longer here to Crack jokes full of love and to make me feel like I am the best and special person in this world.
 The most painful part of the story is when he died I was doing the things he told me not to do. He taught me to be pious and righteous always but in his last breath, I couldn't make it. I lead him down forever.
“What the heck Muss, where are you? Your grandpa is no more. Come home soon. Come as soon as possible “  mama screamed on the phone.
I was taken aback and couldn't breathe hearing this. The cigarette in my mouth melted like ice. The drugs I was sniffing began to destabilize my euphoria. It felt like I got high on a bitter truth. I was trying to think about cigarette and about being happy but I wasn't able to get over it. I tried to think all this as a result of taking drugs but deep within me, I was sure that it is it, not a lie. I stood there for a pretty long time tried to figure out what's going on. My friends kept telling me that I should go to the funeral. But I was stuck in. I was behaving a stubborn. I knew what I was doing were not the things my grandpa would have ever imagined me doing. At the end of it, I went home. I heard mourning all around. I was so upset with the situation that I couldn't be there mentally for long. The crying was making me furious about being not high even after sniffing that shit.
“ Why! Why this all happened. Why am I not high. Why I can't run out of this period. Why lord. Why?" My brain was screaming so loudly that my heart went numb. There was rush of adrenaline to my senses. All my consciousness came so swiftly that I forgot about being high. It was a situation where I felt my heart is dead. My soul is in deep slumber. My mind is more of an alert than alive. My breathing was heavily on. My lungs were palpitating. Every part of my body was missing him. Wishing to see him talking just once. Trying to think that this all is a dream that I am gonna wake up and hug him. But I never woke up and this is not a dream!