Why am I paying the price?

Why am I paying the price? 

   Whatever happened, in what way it happened, whosoever did it, why they did it, doesn’t matter. What matters is the outcome we as humans are facing. How hard is it for you to understand that normalcy means normal? The world where you live with your family and even if you don’t, you live with them through phone calls and video calls. How hard is it for you to understand that people need to survive in today’s world by walking hand in hand and by keeping an eye on every modern way of handling things? How hard you find it to get that mothers need to talk to their kids daily to make them feel loved, to show them they are not alone, there is someone they can share their inner feelings with and to tell them that no matter what, "family is there for you!" why are not you able to get it. What makes you so inhumane? I wonder how a human can be so brutally and illogically deprived of humanity. Why do you not feel the pain? Why? Is there so much hatred that you cannot think of us as humans but why is there so much hatred? we don’t know you, we don’t know which part of world you live in. We don’t know to what religion you belong. We don’t know what complexion you have. We just don’t know you and have not point of contact with you then why this much hatred? Why this much happiness on seeing us in pain? Why?

   Since almost two months I sleep with the thought of hope that tomorrow is going to be a new dusk, that tomorrow I am going to talk to my parents. But no! My hope falls in the well of helpless every single day. And by the end of that day a new hope arises at the back of my mind that this dawn will be in our favor a little bit. But no I fail again, the hope fails again. My positive approach to our situation is giving me chills of restlessness because I relied on it and it turns to be a lie, a lie told by me to me. I tried to stay optimistic about it but every revolution of moon is proving it wrong. I am actually trying so much to stay calm and not think about the stupid things and baseless stuff but the disconnection is narrowing the gap between my positive thoughts and the anxiety.

   I want to be good, productive and mentally okay. How is this possible? Is there a way out? How is possible to make my “heart quenched in pain and craving love of my mother”, understand that this is all for my betterment. How on the earth this is at all possible? I want to talk to my mother. I want to know how she is feeling. I want to hear her saying sympathetic words and lovable talks. I want to feel the love of my mother. I want to know about her. But why can’t I? For what and why am I paying the price? Why?