WHY US ( PART 1)

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There was cold all around but technically I have  experienced more cold but this time it was within. I could sense the feeling of not seeing her for days to come. It was terrifying to understand the situation going around. Locking myself up to not die but I knew I was going to die anyway if I would not see her. But I gathered the guts to stop overthinking about it by thinking of the less privileged people who were trapped under different circumstances many be more harsh than me. Now here I am at my home quarantined from past three weeks now. Far from her.  The day I was supposed to meet my love was the day lockdown was announced. We had a dramatic love story and why I am saying “had” is because it was supposed to be a life story, soon. We convinced our families and OMG how I say this, we are finally getting engaged. Dates are fixed and everything is sorted. So this was our first meeting after the roller coaster of feeling and emotions that came along with the traumatic experience of tiny feelings every time our parents said no to our relationship. When they said yes, we were crazy happy, like really crazy happy. So we decided to party and meet. But the other day lockdown was announced.

 Speaking of lockdown, I would have managed my heart till world gets fine but how would I manage my heart, soul and mind after I hear what she said to me the other day. No she didn’t betrayed. She didn’t breakup, she didn’t have corona virus, she is still in love, in fact loves me more. But guess our paths are different. Only complain is why this virus destroyed my life even though none of my family, friend or her got infected. I complain and I need an answer. On my room's balcony, seeing birds flying freely and chirping peacefully makes me wonder why. Why us ?

On my room's balcony, seeing birds flying freely and chirping peacefully makes me wonder why. Why us ? Then I thought may be we were meant to be in each other's lives, lift ourselves up, make new friends, enhance the characters, rejoice about being someone's something and be better person for eachother. I still wonder why, why would she do this to me , why would God do this to me ? But I never get the answer. The more answers I seek the more confused my questions become. 

 So that day, felt a lifetime. I was all happy and chill also devastated by the Covid 19 fact but the euphoria because of personal reasons over took it. I woke up, got freshen up. That morning everything seemed perfect. The void in my heart appeared to be full of joy and excitement. The mild breezes were softening my burdens. The silence was dancing. The clean air felt morphine to my heart ache. Every single thing was giving me hope and love. Hope that today I am going to meet my love after a long time. Hope that now we are going to spent the rest of our lives with eachother. Hope that love is about to win. Hope that the evil eyes on our happiness are turning around. I had hope and love in my eyes and mind. My heart and brain were at the same place which I never had experienced. As whole thing, everything was smiling. Everything looked happy. Why ? Because tomorrow I was supposed to meet my bestfriend to be wife. We had a lot of hurdles and rough waters in our way but we raised above it. The tough times made us weak sometimes but never have we ever given up on our story.

 But this time it was toughest. I couldn't hold on . Lockdown was being announced and I started having tiny and peculiar mental breakdowns. I kept thinking, not about the Corona but about us being never normally happy. About our fates never free from sadness and exams. About our hearts never met  peace. About our souls, always craving to see other one. I kept complaining to God, why this covid had to happen. And why this lockdown today. Why couldn't it be a day after. Why couldn't we meet and finally share happiness and tears of joy not depressing talks and conversations.  I called her, and said in a very sooth tone "Hey, may be it's our turn to be superheroes. We have to wait until we save the world by not meeting and self isolating ourselves" She, on the other hand was equally upset and feeling the same feels as mine replied; "guess, it's always gonna be us. May be we don't deserve happiness" and after a long sign and pause filled with destructive silence to my mental balance she said "I hear you, I hear your pain. I am feeling it too". The after pindrop emptiness of our talks was too painful to bear. We at the same time dropped the call without saying a word. I remember how helpless I felt that time. I couldn't contain in myself the emotions so I cried. Which I bet she did too, more than me. 

 We were getting along the situations quite a bit. We someone managed to find peace in these different and depressing times. Until three days after. Everything was as normal as it could be that morning also. Everywhere the news of Corona. My phone rang. It was his brother, younger one. I didn't pick up the first time. I went to my room and made my mind. I was so nervous but happy at the same time. Thought, families are getting involved so everything is getting sorted now. I picked up and he goes like "Bhaiya , why are you not picking up my call" before I could answer he said, "I have a message for you from my sister, she said to tell  you to never contact her ever again". I cracked up laughing like maniac. I said "this is the first time we are talking, you should have thought of a better prank" he without replying to this dropped the call. 

"I know there is nothing better than wanting you. It left me dead. I wish I could see you just once to tell you how I feel about it. I wish we could have been together happily. I wish we could have lived life through ups and downs together. Although to some extent we did, but not anymore." When her brother dropped the phone. I didn't feel anything. I knew they were playing a prank or something. It left me with no worries. I did my things the whole day and didn't pay heed to anything. When after the whole day I came to my room to finally rest. I saw my phone deserted, no call, no text from her. I thought may be she is busy. It's lockdown and everyone is around. May be she is with her family. I dialed her number and It was switched off. I called again, no response switch off it was again. This time I felt a bit uneasy. I thought, may be there is something that I need to know. "Is she really gone?"  My mind would repeat this and everytime I would brust into laughter. Because I had faith in our relationship that it would never end. I immediately called my mom and told her to call her mom and see if everything is okay. She did and got not response. She came to my room and said nobody is picking up. She started to panicking. Everything was locked down. And it was unsafe because of corona. We had no option but to wait for their call. I waited for that night, no sleep only stupid thoughts. Kept judging myself whole night. Kept thinking what's so wrong in me that she left this way but again my mind would laugh because it knew that's impossible. The other day after few hours sleep , I called again and nobody would pick up. Now this time I really starting to have a mental breakdown. I ran to my car and decided to go to her house. My mum rushed to me saying, you can't go. There is lockdown and it's unsafe. Weak a mask and gloves. I hastely did what she told me to do but my mind was racing to reach to her. I drove to her house. The roads were empty and I got stopped by police a million times. I was loosing it all  but somehow I reached there. I knocked the door the maid answerd. She was really upset seeing me. Her facial expressions changed immediately the moment she saw me. I was angry and tired. I asked "where is she". She didn't answer. I asked angrily "where the hell is she". She closed the door without answering. I was wondering what could possibly be wrong. I was screaming her name at that door, nobody answered. I sat there for hours , crying. The maid came to see me and started to cry. I asked "why you crying, What's wrong , where is she, why is she not coming to see me, where is everyone?" She couldn't stop crying. Finally she gathered the guts, in her trumbled voice she said "they are not here". I asked why and she said crying "your life is battling with her life".  I could not decipher it. I laughed and started to crack down on her. She was repeated her sentence. Finally my heart accepted what she was telling me about her. I could not utter a word.  I sat there and began to breakdown. After half an hour or so, I stood up and asked her what actually happened. She replied like a defeated soul , saying. "The day before yesterday, she suddenly felt pain in her head. We all thought it's mild headache and she took painkillers but the pain wouldn't stop. We rushed to hospital and doctors recommended some tests and yesterday the results came in and she is admitted in hospital. Doctors said she got an almost incurable disease. She told us not to tell you because she didn't want to suffer you from any form of pain". I couldn't contain this truth. I didn't know what to do. I felt the pain I have never felt in my entire life. I felt dead and failed. My heart was aching like for real. My eyes were hoping to see her just once. My whole body was numb. I didn't know what to do about this reality. I felt like a dead animal wanting vultures to come in and eat every piece of my flesh. I closed my eyes and all I can see was her smiling face. It strengthen my heart a bit. I reached the hospital. It took me 3 hours because of this lockdown. I took the shortcuts. I took the legal actions from police. I took everything. But I reached there. My feet were refusing to walk. My mind was begging to God to turn this all a lie. My eyes were trying to shut down because they do not want to see the reality. I while walking to the OPD called my family, said the whole stuff. While saying I wished a million times that this all is a lie. I reached the receptionist got the information. With his answer 'yes' to my question that if anyone is admitted in this hospital by this name gave me a heartache I would be never able to explain. My heart was dropping. My legs were shivering. I felt going through the process of dying every single minute.